Why is marriage so hard??? I’m not complaining about my marriage. O.K. maybe I am just a little bit. Yes, we’ve had our struggles, as do most couples. As the years go by, his laid back tendencies that I once thought endearing, are now annoying. Just like my knack for repetition and sarcasm annoys him. I can’t help it, and I guess neither can he.
There are days that I am ready to throw in the towel and vice versa. Every year were go through a period of, ‘well this is it, we’ve lasted this long’. We’re coming up on our 10th anniversary. We’ve had our ups and downs. Bouts of unemployment, financial stress, dogs multiplying like Gremlins and therapy. Why am I discussing my private life,knowing my hubbers doesn’t like to? Everyone struggles in relationships. You’re not alone. Most people don’t want to talk about it, but they have to know they’re not alone.
I’ve been wanting to type this blog for a while, but held off because I wasn’t sure how my hubby was going to react. I warned him in advance about it, though.
I was raised in a family where both my parents and grandparents married the love of their life. My husband said that I’m the love of his life. How can that be? We haven’t lived an entire life yet. My husband is a product of divorce. Part of why we don’t throw in the towel is because of that reason.
As the years pass, (we’re only at 10), I see significant changes in the both of us. I don’t feel the constant need to be out like I used to. We got married a bit older and didn’t have children. One thing after another just got in the way. It wasn’t that we didn’t want them, we did. Life just had a different plan for us.
The older I get, the more I crave “sameness”. It’s funny, I’m teaching The Giver right now. Everything in the story is about how sameness is good for the world. For example, keeping the temperature constant helps the food production, but the community is left without seasons. I’m reaching a point in my life that the things familiar to me are more comforting.
I’d rather sit in a coffee shop and write, or go to a bookstore and read, than drive out to L.A. to visit a club. My husband says that he doesn’t want to go ‘clubbing’ either, but at 10:00 p.m. on a Friday or Saturday night, what’s left to do? I do work, so does my husband. Another thing my husband gets annoyed by, is what I named my blog, ‘Confessions of an Unemployed Real OC Housewife’. When I started my blog I was unemployed. In my bio I say unemployed/underemployed. I’m also an OC housewife. I don’t feel my title is deceptive. Anyway, I digress. I work 5 days a week. 7:15 – 5 most days. My hubby works four, 10 hour shifts a week and is off on Friday. While he’s resting all day Friday, I’m working. When I come home, I cook dinner, do laundry and other things around the house. When he comes home, he turns on the TV. I’m on my feet all day long and my hubby is working behind a desk. I would like to come home and relax. He spends many Friday nights out at the movies or arcade by himself. I’d like to rest when I get home on Friday. When I get home, he’s ready to leave. I sometimes wonder if it’s to avoid me?
I was once annoyed by the lack of diversity in Orange County, I still am, but after living here for so long, I’m becoming more complacent with being in my bubble. The master-planned communities of Amerige Heights in Fullerton and La Floresta in Brea are becoming more and more appealing to me. My husband tells me that I’m becoming a recluse, that I don’t want to try new things. The thing is I do, but the older I get, the more selective I become.
A few weeks ago we went to San Diego and stayed at a hotel I love, The Hacienda in Old Town. My husband was annoyed that I didn’t want to stay somewhere new. If I know I like the place, why go somewhere else?
I love to travel and explore. In the last few years, we’ve been to Florida and Texas and soon we’ll be heading to Chicago (I don’t count Las Vegas, San Diego or Santa Barbara. They’re too close to home). If I love to travel, how then am I a recluse? Does my hubby find me boring? I want to go and do the things I enjoy. I want to go places where I don’t have to hassle with crowds and lines (unless it’s to Disneyland, I love Disney). My patience with stupid is waning.
Another part of The Giver mentions the dangers of picking a mate. If you aren’t familiar with the story, a boy named Jonas becomes the Receiver of Memories in a community where your partner, children and jobs are chosen for you. No one has memories because they’re too painful to keep. There is one Receiver of Memory who advises the community. While in training Jonas mentions how absurd it would be if they were allowed to choose a mate. “What if they choose wrong”, he asks the Giver. Many of us do. I don’t think that I chose the wrong mate. At the time we were dating, we liked many of the same things, or so I thought. My hubby always says that when people date they generally put their best face forward. I didn’t think I was ‘putting on airs’. Now it seems that if say the grass is green, he’ll tell me it’s blue. I’m a wine girl, he’s a beer guy.
Before my husband and I got married, we took a compatibility test. It said our personalities weren’t compatible. I felt I shouldn’t let a test dictate who I was going to marry and that we could make it work. Last night I told my husband that I thought we were heading in two very different directions, this was the first time he agreed with me.
I do miss the nights out with my friends in Hollywood. I miss going to the clubs, but I’m fine not doing that anymore. I don’t want to stay at home and watch TV either. What happens when the biggest thrill you get, is being able to get tickets to the newest blockbuster, on your Fandango app? I’ll admit, we put ourselves back into a rut. Now it’s time we take ourselves out of it.
We do have a fun time together. When we travel we have a blast. When we’re out together we have a good time. Lately, I find myself doing more of my own thing, than spending time with my husband.
Do I think the is the end? No, I don’t. Do we need to be better at communication? Yes, we do. Why did I write a blog so personal? Many people are in the same situation and no one wants to talk about it. People are embarrassed to ask for help or they pretend to be happy and they’re not. Life isn’t perfect. There are always hills and valleys. I’m not bashing my hubby, our marriage or our life together. I love him and know that things will work out fine. We’re not in a valley, but we’re not on the hill either. If I was unhappy, I’d get out. I’m not the kind of girl who goes back and forth in a bad marriage. I know a woman like that, and that’s not who I am or who I want to be.